Staying Alive to Life

Photo by: Courtney Cook on Unsplash

Whatever happens, stay alive. / Don’t die before you are dead. —Virginia Woolf

I needed this reminder several years ago as I was going through a transition. One in which I imagined myself one way, with all the accoutrements of an established business owner, only to discover that a new direction could be opening up to me if only I were to let go of the old vision which really wasn’t working as planned. I’ll be perfectly honest, it was not an easy project—the transition, that is. Dying would have been an apt description of the experience at that time — as during other times in my life when I felt myself being pulled in a direction in which I really didn’t want to go, but knew at some point I would have to step out regardless of the worry, angst, trembling, and a smidgen of courage to push me into something much greater than myself; each step requiring a renewed faith in Mystery.

Virginia Woolf continues:

Don’t lose yourself, don’t lose hope, don’t lose direction.

The collapsing into myself required, was a total recasting of my being as I was thrown onto the Potter’s wheel again and again and again. At the time the movement felt relentless; just when I was feeling a bit comfortable, the reconstruction became more persistent like something I would never conceive of for myself; it felt like death. It was messy, and I love order. It was uncontrollable and I love the perceived feeling of being in control; staying alive was like nails dragging down a chalkboard, at least on some days. The process was slow, arduous; and I like quick answers and swift action to get things done. In fact, I was experiencing a lot of percolating — during this particular stage of my life.

Most of all it was unbearably frightening, like losing the oars of a small boat as wind and waves are picking up, water gushing into my tiny vessel and I was being thrust about on a stormy night. Screaming would not have mattered. I would have referred to this passage as a dark night of the soul, before I really understood what that meant.

Backing down from the experience was not an option and would have been ridiculous thus missing the new unfolding with all its curiosities combined with my personal insecurities. In fact, I did come up with numerous excuses to not immediately jump onto a new way of being: from lack of money to not being the right time to this is not what I had planned.

Stay alive with yourself, with every cell of your body, with every fiber of your skin.

And then as I relaxed into the process to which I had no control — new opportunities, people, and relationships evolved.

Stay alive, learn, study, think, read, build, invent, create, speak, write, dream, design.

I learned new skills — new technological skills! I discovered parts of myself that I had either abandoned earlier to apprehension or had just remained dormant to be expressed for this particular time in my life. I began laughing sometimes out of exhaustion, often at myself but even more so out of a renewed joy in life. I could speak with people in a welcoming and open manner — something I never thought possible, not needing to direct or control the conversation, but out of pure curiosity. I made new friends.

Stay alive, stay alive, inside you, stay alive also outside, fill yourself with colors of the world, fill yourself with peace, fill yourself with hope. Stay alive with joy.

And I think that is the most important part of the journey. I’ve discovered a renewed since of joy, not from some outer form of entertainment, although those are wonderful experiences, but I’m referring to the joy that arises from an alignment with the cosmos, with spirit and that which brings a certain amount of delight in the smallest things. The soft petals of a flower, acorns, wild mushrooms; all the wonders that nature provides and I was too busy to fully grasp before. So, while I have no definitive title or image to claim — I have joy.

There is only one thing you should not waste in life, and that is life itself.

The Beauty of this excursion is that I’m still here, alive fully participating in life. And while the journey may also have been about truly allowing the Divine to work through me—a movement of grace, forgiveness, and mercy — cultivating a more loving and compassionate human being also resulted. The evolution mostly came from inside once I stopped kicking and screaming and realized that since I wasn’t in control anyway, I might as well allow the Divine to assume the role of Guide, Mentor and Peacemaker.

And as a friend keeps reminding me: “release your hands from the steering wheel.”

I’m so grateful I did.