IA/Inner Authority
When I was a youngster and people (those calling themselves adults) around me were rushing around I would wonder what the flurry of activity, the chatter and excitation was about—especially around holidays or memorial services. As I observed them, it seemed like a dreadful misuse of energy—as opposed to collecting flowers from my backyard for a bouquet or watching a bee buzz around. Following the gliding flight of a beautiful butterfly or even making mudpies topped with different colored pebbles; it’s a wonder that I didn’t become a botanist or naturalist.
Anyway, all the adult busyness seemed to me to be for naught.
As I matured, calling myself an adult I found that I was falling into a similar pattern—what was it about maturing that caused such unhealthy behaviors? Working extra hours for a vacation, saving money for a distant opportunity or object, Henri Bendel dress, meeting deadlines and hardly able to relax. And the momentary success was only a glimpse, eclipsed by the amplitude of the next project being launched. It was like being an addict seeking the next high of success—working 40 hours a week, teaching dance a few hours in the evening, eating on the side, collapsing into bed, only to repeat the cycle again, and again, and again. Some of the time I was even attending weekend classes to complete a degree. What was enough? Did that thought ever occur to me? There is no doubt that if you were to ask me then if I was happy, my reply would be “Yes!—Of course, I’m happy.” But there was clearly something not right about my life situation!
Before too long the addiction to success stopped working. When I realized that I really wasn’t happy, I gave it up! Exchanging happiness for joy and work for passion—I knew what I was seeking because I had had it before, briefly. And those times weren’t so distant. The images and experiences were already part of my journey; it took longer to make a fuller transition into simplicity and just being. But the mental transition was the beginning, actually savoring the afterglow of a successful each day and not needing to acquire something else after months of saving for it.
When I came to my senses—it seemed to me, that there had to be more to being an adult than just acquiring stuff, more knowledge and moving onto the next thing. But before I found ways to counter the cultural addiction; I had to be very clear about what stirred my soul, what brought me joy. And that itself was a journey — a return journey and it certainly was not a job description handed to me that I felt I had to accept.
Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. —Henri Nouwen
Now, I have to admit that I like adventures, but this quest for wholeness and sanity had no roadmap. There was a lot of debris and de-programming that had to be cleared away. If what I was doing was nearly killing me, maybe, I needed to reflect on all of that and well, stop doing it. If working in arts administration to buy expensive dresses with abnormally high cortisol levels wasn’t enough, what was? How much did I really need? And how much letting go was required in order to get to the root of my joy and passion? I knew I wasn’t going to receive a perfect answer but I would receive many satisfying answers as I kept asking my inner Wisdom for assistance. However, the caveat was that once you ask, you have to be willing to act, to change, to transform.
So, what I was seeking was a healthy body, mind, spirit, a modest living income and something that spoke to my yearning for justice, peace and human solidarity through dance and movement. Hhhhmm. Dance and social justice. I had had glimpses of this periodically while teaching with a friend during a dance and visual arts summer camp for underserved children in the community or conducting dance education classes at a public high school. So, I knew what I was seeking, even though as the years passed it looked a little different. The trouble with working with Inner Authority is that the information has to be re-interpreted as it unfolds in real life—and my first experiments with this Wisdom weren’t totally clear. I kept trying to fit a new life into the matrix of the old model. That was frustrating!
How can one cultivate compassion, love, and joy — under the siege of old patterns and tensions—and using art? Now, that’s an old question. As a plethora of artists have claimed and traversed that terrain in numerous ways. During my study of changing my life I realized that becoming a cloister monk wasn’t necessary, but did require an inversion; a re-investment in self-care and attentiveness to my actions and what was calling my attention; some of which needed to be eliminated.
And that was the key, being very selective about what I was willing to accept in my life. Since, the unbridled nervous energy, acquisition of stuff, incessant craving after sweets kept me afloat temporarily, it was not the solution. Deep inner reflection and staying with the process as if my life depended on it caused me to wander into solitude. Okay I’m making this sound like an episode that occurred in a few weeks or months, truthfully, it was initiated over a decade ago and is still evolving.
It’s not a quick fix and Inner Authority has its own timelines. And as life unfolds so does the Wisdom and sometimes it takes more courage than you think you have, but by stepping into action I kept receiving nuggets of gold.
See yourself. Recognize yourself. See others. Recognize the other. Love yourself. Learn to live in the face of obstacles. Learn to become your own master. You are the master and you are the keyholder.
—Ulonda Faye, Sutras of the Heart: Spiritual Poetry to Nourish the Soul
Learning to become your own master is by no means a stroll through the park, but an elevated perception of self. The life-giving gifts received in the moment are worth it. And I must add, from my experience—this is not a dull life. There is more time for everything: being in nature, exploring a new skill just for the heck of it, listening, seeing, meditating, dancing, and reflecting on the finer things in life; receiving the gold nuggets without the delayed gratification. Costing nothing and with a lot less stress
What if in the distractions, miss-messaging, gadgets, fast moving cars, the quickened pace, and a myriad of other disturbances we’ve lost sight of a fundamental truth. What if the truth is that we should have been turning to our Inner Authority all along?! And in acknowledging the light within each one of us, cultivating a society with less competition and more time for collective creativity; accompanied by inner peace and freedom. WHAT IF?