Wandering and Wondering
All that is gold does not glitter, / Not all those who wander are lost; / The old that is strong does not wither, / Deep roots are not reached by the frost. / From the ashes a fire shall be woken, / A light from the shadows shall spring; / Renewed shall be blade that was broken, / The crownless again shall be king. —J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
If I were honest I’d have to admit my desire toward re-claiming my true self became more persistent and got re-ignited nearly a decade ago with the death of a dear friend, quickly followed by another. The struggle of establishing balance has been ongoing to reconcile my life with the holes left in my soul by the earthly loss of two very important talented and creative people. One was a gifted arts consultant, who saw my fledgling organization through several tectonic changes including a relocation and we remained friends after the process; the other was a practitioner in homeopathic medicine. They were geniuses in their own right.
During times of stress they both expressed qualities of compassion, wisdom, and perseverance that I found remarkable and pointed out qualities in myself that I had ignored and seemed unable to access even in the depths of my inner sanctum. I learned a lot about myself in their presence.
She is free in her wildness, she is a wanderess, a drop of free water. She knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs. Time for her isn’t something to fight against. Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water.
—Roman Payne
I wonder at my durability as I wander through life. The gifts I’ve acquired are not necessarily the gifts for which I was seeking. I’m appreciative of those who have wandered with me and those still available for counsel and realize the quest is not over as I develop a keener sense of awareness and a willingness to listen to new information as it appears in persons and events.
There is strange comfort in knowing that no matter what happens today, the Sun will rise again tomorrow. —Aaron Lauritsen
So she (my True self) has been nudging me for decades. Listening I hear the echo of a joyful inner person, but pursue tasks that hinder that progress. I say ‘yes’, but tense up when the going gets rough allowing doubt to seep into my stream of consciousness.
There are so many distractions, so many ways to let the hours pass by not paying attention. There’s more to this tactic of avoidance were I to admit it. Letting go of control might be one, but stepping into mystery and vulnerability is certainly another. The truth is I was never in control, always praying for safety and creative abundance before entering a dance studio and during the practice is a common pursuit. But, now I also pray with a grateful heart the minute I awaken into another day. I’m grateful for the opportunity to discover and meet life as it meets me. I accept the ripples in the terrain with more grace and humility— on most days.
Drawn into the swirl of life, I wonder what it is that I’ve always known, and endeavor to fulfill what I know to be truth. I can live without the accolades and notches on the ladder of accomplishment. It’s taken a great deal of fortitude and confronting emotions that no longer suit me or better yet, learning not to get drawn into the petty exchanges and listening with discernment for what is really happening all around us.
I’m not overly anxious to present the steps toward attaining this truth-provoking lifestyle, because it will take the rest of my life and others (Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Mary of Nazareth) have demonstrated the qualities more fully than myself. The qualities of humility, love, and resistance to the status quo. They knew it in their time and others are recognizing it in ours. It’s not a fight, it is an awareness of what we are projecting and what we are allowing to enter our field of vibration. We have a choice.
As the foundation shifts, many times I’ve had to answer questions about what is enough, whom will my actions impact, who will I serve and how far will I risk being a fool for Christ.
Evelyn Underhill (1875-1941), Anglo-Catholic writer on religion and spiritual practices speaks eloquently of the simplicity of total presence in connecting with our senses— and being aware of
the unimaginable beauty and wonder the direct sensation of life having communion with life: that the scents of ceasing rain, the voice of trees, the deep softness of the kitten’s fur, the acrid touch of sorrel on the tongue, should be in themselves profound, complete, and simple experiences, calling forth simplicity of response in our souls.
It’s all in a day’s unfolding, the wandering and wondering; a bounty fed by divinity and light, a fountain of abundance as so many mystics unabashedly say. Once you have seen the Light, it cannot be unseen. It’s like holding a very precious gift, fragile and unique to our senses. It takes courage to hold onto something deeper than surface objects.
It also takes hope to maintain a field of love without judgment or shaming of others—all skills of mastery of a lifetime of persistence. Like creating a fine piece of art; something that doesn’t happen in an instant but over decades of preparation and refining of one’s self.
In your humble wanderings I hope you wonder about your senses, your awareness of what you see, hear,, taste and touch, your fully-embodied spirit. That is your kinesthetic prayer embracing solidarity with all life; the beauty, awe, and goodness that surrounds you.